Background about Me

Early Life

Growing up I had a lot of siblings. My mother and father went through a divorce when my sisters and I were 3 and 4 years of age. I am a triplet with a sister who’s 11 months older than the three of us. My mother married a man and with him came my step sister, who was younger along with three older step brothers. I guess you could say that we had a full house. Divorce is different in every family and in this one, my sisters and I spent one week with our dad and one week with our mom which basically means that my sisters and I lived out of a duffel bag during the majority of our childhood. My father was an entrepreneur and with that everyone around us always assumed that we were a higher social class because this business seemed to be the most successful in town and I wish you knew the irony behind that. We. Were. Poor. Dirt Poor. Businesses take time to build, profits take time to build and with that being said we grew up not having money. I would like to focus a little more on the mother's side of things because that is the side that really changed my life and before I begin I would like to inform you that the things I am being transparent with have already been discussed with all family members involved. Now for the part that gets tricky and difficult so if you’re still reading try to keep up.

Near Death

About 15 or so years ago my mother was in a car accident. I still remember the moment when my dad called my sisters and I to the den and told us the news. I remember the gasp that came out of my mouth thinking that I no longer had a mother.

Don’t worry, she lived.

But I still lost my mother.

This car accident was not your normal fender bender. Her medical condition included a broken back, shoulder, and neck, 6 concussions, brain bleeding, a punctured liver and lung, and to top it all off a nearly ripped-off ear. I can’t imagine the mental toll that it took on her becoming disabled and no longer able to provide for her kids financially, physically, or emotionally. My mother was never the same and I would go as far as to say that she turned into a monstrous individual that was difficult to be around. She was mean, always on painkillers, and always used us (the children) to do every parental responsibility. I remember coming home after school (praise God for long bus rides home) and having to clean everything before we were even allowed to get started on our homework. We lived in several homes but the best one was the trailer house that we lived in. I tell you what, 5 girls in one room, and we all got one drawer. We had a huge hole in the floor and ceiling so when I say winters got cold I mean it. We used to come home to my mother lying on the floor in her own urine because she was on her meds and couldn’t wake up long enough to go take care of herself. We all had to grow up before it was time to grow up. Family gatherings are often filled with stories about Ambien (muscle relaxer) and OxyContin (an opioid) and how crazy our mother was. This only scratches the surface and I won’t bore you with the further details on the personality aspects of my mother and just leave it as she wasn’t a good person. I bet you’re wondering if I still hold resentment against her and I want to say that I don’t because I’m not angry with her but I still had struggles with things like commitment issues, abandonment issues, being overly independent, and never feeling like I am enough to deserve any kind of goodness. I do love my mother and the strength that I gained from a trauma-filled childhood and while I wouldn’t wish that kind of environment on anyone, I've gotten to heal from all of it and now I'm able to offer wisdom and guidance in so many situations for other people. Enough about mom (for now), let’s move on to the other side of the tracks.

Business is Business

Something I learned at a very young age was the phrase “business is business”. Now, before I get into this side I want you to know that my dad is my absolute best friend in the entire world. I wouldn’t be telling this story if he wasn’t.

My dad is not an emotional man, well he wasn’t when I was a child. I grew up thinking that he only cared about the business and that there wasn’t room in his life for me or my child problems. This led to a great deal of resentment in my teenage years where I began to spend my time partying and trying different substances to fill the void in my life. We grew up in a Christian household, going to church every time the doors were open but I had no connection to who Jesus was so obviously I found another way of coping with things. I chose the worst route. I ended up scoring low on ACT’s and having to take student loans out for the cheapest college in the area. Talking to my dad as a teenager was biting tooth and nail hoping that he would someday understand that all I wanted from him was to show me that he loved me. Did you know that people have different love languages? I didn’t know at the time but the older I got the more I realized that the best way he knew how to love me was to put his business first in order to make sure my sisters and I would be provided for. I realized this around the age of 19. I moved out at 18 because my dad believes in teaching your kids to work hard and make it in life and wow I have learned so much since that age and I am so thankful that I was never spoon-fed and that I did have to work for everything I had, after all, we all started our first jobs at 14 and part of our paychecks usually helped mom out. After I moved out I began to really put forth effort into having a strong relationship with my dad and I can’t express how thankful I am that because of it we’re best friends now. I tell him every part of my life and yes that means even the parts that he really doesn’t want to know. Did I have him emotionally through childhood? Solid no, but I have him now and that’s what matters because there’s nothing about him that I would change. He is the most generous, empathetic, goofiest and brutally honest man that I know and I am thankful for him and his friendship every day that I breathe.

Back to the teenage years:

Now it’s time to be transparent about me and my poor life decisions that led me to where I am today. Wow, I was a horrible teenager making horrible decisions. I have a sister named Hannah. She’s literally the most genuine human being on the planet and growing up I resented her because I was not living for Jesus and she was and I wanted nothing to do with it. I spent my nights at Motel 6 in Alma, AR with friends drinking whisky and smoking cigarettes among other things. This life led me to lose my virginity in a statutory rape situation at 17 and it took me a really long time to cope with that. I always felt and still sometimes do feel like if you don’t give up the goods then a man won’t want you. Those thoughts led me to sleep with a guy (around the age of 20) I was semi-dating even though I knew I shouldn't have done it. This happened twice and I have remained celibate since then and I will choose to stay that way until marriage. This is one of the hardest parts of dating in 2020. Sex seems to be expected a that's difficult when it can prevent 90% of the dating pool from being interested. All these things led to self-depreciation in my head. I never felt like just me and my personality was enough for anyone. (I’m very picky now.) Moving on, at 18 years old (after I had walked away from Jesus for roughly 2 years) I went bar hopping with a fake ID and some of my coworkers. I drove home drunk that night (don’t do this), crawled into bed, and prayed for the first time in a really long time. I had nothing at this point. I was getting kicked out, had to figure my life out with next to no guidance and I had absolutely nowhere to turn other than Jesus. The next day, I texted my sister, Hannah, and told her that I wanted to get closer to Jesus and I’ve never looked back. Have I been perfect? NO. It took me a long time to break habits, leave old friends who weren’t helping me grow, and find new tribes of people who helped me love Jesus more and more every day. It took me going to therapy and dealing with all of the trauma, a lot of which I still haven’t mentioned. It took me getting my heart broken. It took me saying yes to Jesus and no to worldly desires every day to get here. With all this being said…

I am healed.

I am now a mentor to many.

I have my own mentors.

I have a passion for human trafficking.

I have a heart for damaged people.

I have a heart for the youth.

I have a heart for worship.

I am an advocate for the poor.

I am an advocate for therapy.

I am an advocate for celibacy.

I am an advocate for Jesus.

I am a no-judgment zone.

I am body positivity.

I am loved.

I am a friend.

I am a safe place for others.

This is not intended to be a pity party or for anyone to feel bad for my childhood. I just have a lot to offer in regard to advice and wisdom through my life lessons and I hope that starting this blog (which won’t be this long every time) will be encouraging for people in all areas of life regardless of religion, race, season or stage of life. I hope that people will feel comfortable to reach out, speak out, and build a life that's better than yesterday. I hope that I am able to share my life with you and I hope that my life will be a testimony that it doesn’t matter where you come from but where you want to go. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading the short version of my story. I hope you keep reading, until next time go live your life. Grow and Glow, Baby!