Loving the Difficult One

Here is to another round of trauma talk and this one is about how to date when you’ve been through the ringer. The first thing I would like to say is bare with me on this one. Now I am no counselor or therapist but these are just some tips and opinions based on what I have learned and while I’m being honest I’m not really the date around type, so take my words as you will but I think you will find them useful.

The Source of Your Joy

I know that being in a relationship makes people happy. Having someone there that chooses you and cares about you, who wouldn’t want that? However, a relationship should not be the source of your joy. I firmly believe that both parties should be in a good place, for the most part happy on their own and then come together and simply add extra joy to each other's life. People aren’t perfect and we are all bound to make mistakes. If you make your source of joy in another person alone it can be detrimental to your mental health if things don’t work out. To put it simply, don't put all of your joy eggs in one basket.

Figure Yourself Out

I’m not the biggest fan of “self care culture”. In a way I think that it can lead to people taking it too far and getting into the mindset of selfishness when not done in the proper way. Please don’t take this in the wrong way either. I believe in taking care of yourself and figuring out how you can be the best person you can be. If you have a lot of baggage in your life that you tend to drag into relationships I encourage you to take some steps to get some things taken care of. This can be going to counseling or therapy, seeking mentorship from someone who is older and wiser. You can always tell the stories of your past when you are ready but try not to let your baggage think that you are unworthy because that’s exactly what baggage does to people. So get yourself taken care of and then let the world be your oyster.

State Your Needs

It is okay, and important that you state your needs in a relationship. I have to brag a little on my last relationship because it was the first time I was ever in a relationship where I stated my needs and I must say that the communication aspect was great and healthy, I have dated very few people in my life, like 3 actual relationships and they all have taught me things. This one in particular though, reciprocated everything well. For example, I stated from day one that words of affirmation was something I had to have in a relationship and said person told me everyday that he wanted me and it was kinda the best thing. It’s

important to ask and listen to their needs as well. With that being said, I’d also like to add that if your needs or their needs crosses a boundary for another person then you should look for an exit strategy respectfully if it's not something that's negotiable. Boundaries are still important. If your relationship doesn’t have communication of needs, wants, expectations and such, both parties will end up suffering in silence.

Show Some Grace

Some people have a lot less baggage than you and that’s just a fact. There are going to be things that maybe upset you that they don’t understand. Instead of getting upset at someone for exposing one of your small triggers that normally wouldn’t be an issue for someone without trauma, simply explain it to them and show some grace. After all, relationships are all about learning who the other person is. Anger, grudges, unforgiveness, and revenge are all things that will kill a relationship to a point of no return. If you want them to show you grace for sometimes being a little extra (ladies we all are so don’t deny it) then you should show some grace when they don’t understand your emotions.

Enjoy Your Time

A lot of individuals that I have spoken to, females and males that both seek advice from me, have had the mindset of “when is it going to end” or “where’s the red flag”. I encourage you to have some FUN while you’re dating. Stop expecting everything to end because “it happens every time”. If you go into any relationship with a ton of negative thoughts you are not going to be able to enjoy the person in front of you and that is going to do a disservice to them. You are worth it, even if you have had it rough in life you are still worth it. Time to start acting like it and that begins with not letting your trauma talk for you or control you. Enjoy the new things, enjoy yourself. I like to keep these short but if anyone has any comments or questions feel free to write in the comment section! These are my thoughts and opinions and may not align with everyone as a disclaimer. I hope everyone has a great week!